Knocked Up / Superbad

Having recently been introduced to these two films, amongst the major successes in a bumper year of off-beat American comedy in 2007, it was heartening to see that American teen/ 20-something comedy is finally growing up.

Just when we thought the Ferrell/Wilson/Stiller gang was hitting its zenith, along comes the Apatow/Rogen/Goldberg crew to steal their thunder. Of the two films, Knocked Up is undoubtedly superior. It has heart where Superbad just has head (in all senses of the word), and manages to create a far more sympathetic collection of protagonists.

The fat/curly-haired anti-heroes (Seth Rogan - pictured - and Jonah Hill) of both films represent something of a new wave of American comedic leading man - although they undoubtedly have Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly to thanks for setting the precedent. What these chubby charmers achieve is an overhaul of the traditional casting of American 'dude' comedy. The down-to-earth, witty 'not-quite-nerds' are a new breed of comedy character, owing much to the Marx brothers in that the whole premise of their comedy is founded on interplay. Witty lines happily sit beside the ever-familiar nob-gags, and well-roundedness applies to their emotional make-up as much as it does to their waist-lines.

These are the products of a post-pop America. A generation of young men grown weary with high-school stereotypes yet helpless to resist them. But the use of the phrase 'young men' is significant here - for the women hardly get a look in. There is still a sexist core in both of these films that leaves one questioning when it is that these all-male production teams will wake up and smell the oestrogen. The nerds and jocks have been allowed to mature, but the cheerleaders remain shaking their pom-poms at the side. A depressing reflection of a country still riddled with ultra-conservative values and under-currents of religiosity.

Anthony Minghella - A Huge Loss To The World Of Entertainment

The news of Anthony Minghella's death came as a huge shock yesterday. He was a magnificent film director, whose hit-rate was almost unrivalled by his British contemporaries. Amongst these contemporaries, perhaps only Richard Curtis and Ridley Scott can lay claim to having as big an influence on the industry as Minghella did.

Considering his credits as a writer/director only stretch to 5 films, he had a remarkable career which spanned mediums, genres and collaborators. His breakthrough film Truly, Madly, Deeply displayed a rare understanding of the human psyche (particularly the female psyche), and his follow-up The English Patient needs no introduction. I studied this great adaptation at University, and considering the complexity of the source material it's a testament to his genius that Minghella was able to construct such a lucid narrative. Apparently his methodology involved reading the book several times through, putting it on a shelf and retreating into isolation to work up the screenplay from memory. This approach, to me, was ground-breaking, and proved that in order for an adaptation to be successful it must have a sense of detachment from it's source.

I never met Minghella but I did attend a seminar given by his brother Dominic quite recently. Dominic, like his brother, was warm, intelligent, funny and generous, and I hope we will see more of his work in the future. But either way, the hole left by his more famous sibling is huge, and his death is a loss to us all.

Two Harry Potter Films For The Price Of One

News that the final Harry Potter book (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) will be split into two films should come as no surprise. The 'official' reason given is that the book (over 600 pages in length) is simply too long to pack into a single film. Daniel Radcliffe rather bafflingly suggests that the number of sub-plots in previous books made them easier to adapt into single narratives. "The seventh book doesn't really have any subplots" he recently told the Los Angeles Times, "it's one driving, pounding story from the word go."

Now, are we really supposed to swallow this line that it's merely their passionate affiliation to the story that has 'forced' Warner Bros. to make two films where there could've been one? Is it not clear that this is simply a way of milking a few final millions out of this most generous of cash-cows? The BBC, diplomatic as ever, provides this as a gentle afterthought, suggesting the boost in profits will be an "added benefit" of the two-film strategy. This feels a bit like the film world equivalent of the Iraq war - sold to the public as a noble crusade but in fact this is nothing more that a quest for box-office oil.

Ok, so that might be putting it a little strongly, but I hope you see my point.

What On Earth Was McGregor Thinking??

Budding Short Story Writers Read This!

I've just been glancing my eye over a website called 'Transmission', which publishes a tri-annual magazine primarily stocked with short stories. Whilst not a paying publication, if you're keen to get your stories in print a magazine like this can provide the ideal way to do it. The current theme is Europe, and having just returned from a trip to Bulgaria myself I'm tempted to have a shot! So get writing and good luck.

Click here to visit the Transmission website.

Blue Mondays

Let’s face it: Mondays tend to get the better of us all. After a shambolic weekend simple tasks like getting up from the bed and facing the new week of fresh, exciting opportunities can seem an ordeal even to the most optimistic minds. Monday has not traditionally offered any great excuses to leave important matters from your ‘to do’ list until tomorrow in the same way as, for instance, Fridays. London’s nightlife is not packed with thrilling events on Mondays; you really need to research intensively to find something reasonable to do. Not to worry; there is a safety haven in the heart of East London for people who would much rather escape the unbearable reality of the start of the week. This safety haven, brothers and sisters, is known as the Rhythm Factory’s eccentric open mic venue Spoonful of Poison.

The concept is simple: those with any talent can perform whether it is stand up comedy, poetry, music or things beyond human imagination –as long as they arrive before eight o’clock and put their names down on the sheet of paper located at the bar. Spoonful of Poison is not destructive towards anybody’s finances either; entry fees will not be charged and beverages are cheap. If you are not an aspirant artist of any kind you should show up any time between half eight and half eleven as that is the designated time slot for top quality performances. The variety of performers is extraordinary; you could end up witnessing anything from trombone poetry to the resurrected Sex Pistols; from a guy playing his game console to rising stand up comedy stars. It is not only the performers on stage that will take your breath away; the audience occasionally consists of intriguing regular characters and amusing hecklers. The cherry on the top of this delicious serving is the pleasant master of ceremonies, Mr. Spoon whose cockney niceness is beyond compare. It is indeed worth seeing and wondering how he manages to keep the circus together week after week without ever growing bitter. The next Monday you plan to take your own life; why bother? Just head down to Whitechapel High Street, kick back and enjoy the show.

For more info visit www.rhythmfactory.co.uk

By Laura Rosten

Best UK Indie Cinemas?

I'm very lucky in that my local cinema here in London is the Peckham Plex, arguably the best independent multiplex cinema in the UK (ok, so I may be slightly biased...). When I was at uni in Bristol, both the Watershed and the Arnolfini served up great programmes of arthouse film, and when I was a post-grad living in Newcastle, the Tyneside cinema was a second home.

Many blogs are bewailing the death of the independent cinema, drowning up in a sea of commercialism and over-priced popcorn. However, there are still many of them around, from the Duke of York's in Brighton (where I saw a fantastic live-score version of Nosferatu), to the Filmhouse in Edinburgh. In London, the Prince Charles continues to show a varied and commercial programme whilst keeping ticket prices as low as £1.50 (for members), although in order to cut costs it often receives films after they've done the multiplex rounds. However, in a world where the gap between cinema and DVD release times is narrowing to a wafer-thin margin, I'm not sure this matters so much anyway.

So, for me the leader of the pack is the 'Peck-Plex', which maintains a balance of showing early releases and still charging much less than Odeon or Vue. But I'd be eager to hear your thoughts on this - what's your local indie, and is it worth me venturing outside of SE15 to experience it?!

Links:

Peckham Plex
Prince Charles Cinema
Duke of York's Brighton
Tyneside Cinema
Filmhouse, Edinburgh
Watershed, Bristol
Arnolfini, Bristol

What Ails Us - A Review of ‘Affluenza’ by Oliver James

Sam is a New Yorker with a whole host of problems. He is heir to a billion pound fortune and is on his way to creating a similar one in his own name. He lives alone in a gigantic Manhattan apartment over five floors (with one bedroom). He frequently sleeps with stunning Russian models, specially procured for him, one so perfect she appears as if she is ‘hatched directly from an egg’. But his biggest problem is that he is an asshole and has no friends. He is miserable, bitter, and resentful and withdraws from personable society, choosing to fester instead in the self absorbed slough of his own vast wealth.

Oliver James would have us believe that Sam is indicative of the way in which life in Western democratic societies has slipped into some uncomfortable registers in the last few decades. We are obsessed by fame, money and our own image to the extent that we cannot enjoy the things that matter. He compares the plight of Sam with that of Chet, a Nigerian taxi driver also living New York. Chet is who is an amiable man holding homespun Christian beliefs and earns less than a thousand times Sam’s income. He is frequently attacked by his passengers and has serious health problems, and there is no safety net for him in the America he has chosen to live in as he is a semi illegal immigrant, not entitled to a Green Card. Yet for all this, Chet appears to be content, or at least, far more content with his life than Sam.

It is easy to be sceptical of such findings. As a well known American actress once said, I’ve been poor and miserable and rich and miserable and rich is better. But James’s prognosis is another addition to the large corpus of literature that diagnoses the curious mental state of the richest upper quartile members of the richest societies in the world. The novels and non-fiction of writers as diverse as J.G. Ballard, Will Self (who features prominently on the blurb of this book), Barbara Eichenreich, Bret Easton Ellis, David Foster Wallace, Dave Eggers, Joan Didion, Alain de Botton, Nick Hornby, Florian Zeller, Michel Houellebecq and Martin Amis have all chronicled the gnawing angst at the core of the Western European and American middle classes. Tendencies such as the fame surge, the susceptibility to addiction, the paralysis of choice, the inability to hold on to tender emotional commitments. James lays out his case as follows. People in ‘selfish capitalist’ countries –The USA, Australia and the UK, not Denmark or New Zealand which are ‘unselfish’ capitalist countries - are on a treadmill pretty much from the moment they hit puberty. Children are pressured to achieve high academic results at school, and are made to feel bad even if they achieve them as they could do better. University choices are increasingly predicated on choosing subjects that have some technical merit in securing a high paying job. Careers are chosen not for intrinsic job satisfaction but on grounds such as how well they pay or how much status or proximity to fame and celebrity they bring us.

This is a familiar life arc to many living in urban societies. Graduates will take frighteningly tedious jobs in things such as media sales, lured into them by the pious and fake promise that it could be an opportunity to break into bigger things in the media. A staggering 80% of UK graduates want to work in the media and many bright and talented people will forsake more rewarding careers in other sectors. A huge number of contemporary graduates seem to be working either in soulless City, corporate ladder jobs they hate, and are only doing it for the money, or in unstable, bitty jobs in the lower echelons of journalism, publishing or broadcasting with no guarantee of future progression. The majority of these people are miserable. Beyond this, adults are working longer hours than ever just to support themselves and their overstretched mortgages. The value of parenting and family life has plummeted as young women are increasingly reluctant to make the commitment to child rearing and instead choose pursue high pressure careers in a twisted fulfilment of the 1960s feminist dream. No wonder that mental anxiety and illness is far higher than it was than the far more austere 1950s.

What to do? James spends much of this chunky book (500 pages including appendices) adumbrating solutions. We must reject the mawkish psychobabble pedalled by the Orwellian ‘positive think’ merchants – those charlatan magazine columnists and psychotherapists (often American) who exhort us to put a positive spin on things and suppress negative emotions. When things are fucked up, it is time to face them directly. This means stripping away many of the materialist urges we are suffused with. Don’t spend your whole life pining for a bigger house, a faster car, a better looking partner, a higher paying job, a flashier set of golf clubs. Don’t think that the answer to emotional problems lies at the bottom of a bottle or in the release of toxins contained in a pill. Instead it is important to meet your needs, not your wants. This means closely monitoring your emotional needs as you go through life (which means doing a job that absorbs you intrinsically, irrespective of the money or status attached to it) and free time, which means making time for yourself and your interests, and bringing up children properly if you have them.

A word on the critical reception to Affluenza. It is, of course, impossible to write a bestselling book (4th in the WH Smith charts on the last check) about toning down desires for fame and status. The predictable attacks are as certain as those directed at wealthy and/or successful people who profess egalitarian sentiments. You will be accused of being a hypocrite, a champagne socialist, a Bolly Bolshevik. James bears the full brunt of such kneejerk rebarbative posturing. Amazon website reviews (always a reliable corkboard for ill informed opinion) accuse James of, variously: ingratiating himself with media figures, being a media tart, knowing all the answers before he sets the questions, being a self-publicist, having his book published by a capitalist publishing company (as if he could promote his work any other way), a self aggrandizing authorial style (this, to be fair does grate: there are nauseating tics of taxi driver telling you what is good for you guv type prose).

What about the long term context of the kind of thinking Oliver James embodies? There are signs that the culture is changing. Many schools now incorporate a large component of PHSE into the curriculum, with lessons on wellbeing and emotional intelligence. But progress will almost certainly be slow. The vast majority of people, it seems, are not yet ready to undertake what James asks of them: to completely reappraise the values and lights by which they lead their life. It is easy to dismiss such a polemic as psychobabble cynically manufactured to enrich another media psychiatrist. But the reality hits a lot harder. If you look closely, the signs of affluenza are all around: stacked up on the tube escalators are posters promoting holidays, beauty products, mobile phones, Mp3 players, personal computers, cars, bestselling books(including, of course, Affluenza - the slogan, with delicious lack of irony, proclaiming ‘this book could change your life’), blockbuster movies, the next bright young thing. For the average citizen, struggling back exhausted through the throng after a day at work which may or may not have been satisfactory, the daily assault of these images is bound to hold an unflattering mirror up to their condition, automatically lowering their self perception unless they have enough inner resources to fight it.

James explains that repeatedly comparing ourselves to others is a classic instance of modern life. Through the forces of the internet and globalization, we are aware of the lives of hundreds of people we do not know. This is something very new in human life. A far cry from the hermetic village cultures of most of human history. No wonder it is so difficult these days to form any kind of conception of a self, a soul. The affluenza virus is riddled throughout the modern political and media class. Every newspaper, from the formerly respectable tabloids to the piss poor free sheet rags handed out by benighted shivering anoraked figures on street corners, is laced with celebrity gossip –tales of people whose lives are perceived to have a lustre and gloss that far exceeds our own, lists of up and coming people – a new CEO, an up and coming actress, a billboard face. Of course, much of the wealth in the current economy ends up in the hands of this tiny group of people. Some may be genuinely talented and deserve it, the vast majority are photogenic mediocrities who have shaken out fortuitously at the top of a random lottery. The people who suffer most from all of this, as James points out, are those already vulnerable to emotional instability – people from poor educational backgrounds, from broken homes and so on. The gap between the wealthiest few and the poorest many, grows ever wider.

If we look to our elected politicians for some powerful gravitas, some statesmanlike derobing of all this hype, what do we get? Downing Street parties filled with the same celebrities. Peter Mandleson’s nauseating pronouncement that New Labour (the Labour Party remember) is ‘seriously relaxed about people getting filthy rich’. Towards the end of the book, James goes to the heart of government to find that senior New Labour figures are some of the worst afflicted of all! A very high powered female frontbencher on a thwacking salary and a job invested with huge potential to make a difference to people’s lives admits she can never be fully contented because she can now never be the first female Prime Minister. James reports that the daughter of someone at the very heart of the New Labour project recently made a suicide attempt. Gordon Brown is rumoured to be privately uncomfortable with this sham glitzy wrecked beach resort of contemporary culture, but he has done little about it in terms of pronouncements or policy.

We shouldn’t be seriously relaxed about all of this at all. And that is why Oliver James’s book, with his well researched diagnoses of the causes of the affluenza virus, and a route map out of it, deserves a close and thorough read.

By Fred Bosanquet

Affluenza

BAFTAS Reaction

So, Atonement was the best film of the last year eh? Well, sorry chaps but I beg to differ. Call me hyper-cynical, but I propose that every single other nomination was actually a stronger contender for the award (There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men, The Lives of Others and American Gangster are all excellent, engaging films, strong stories told with technical mastery). However, this is the British Academy awards and I suppose we have to expect a certain Uk-biase. This biase, however, was certainly not in evidence in other categories, with Atonement only receiving 2 awards out of 14 nominations. Surely something doesn't quite add up here? How can a film that has failed to win in 12 of the categories it was nominated then be crowned the 'best'? It's like giving someone a gold medal as a consolation prize. Nevermind, there were certainly some deserving winners amongst the pack - notably Daniel-Day Lewis (I pity anyone that finds themselves nominated in a category with him) and This Is England (which beat Atonement to Best British Film!).

The night was of course never going to be quite the self-congratulatory schmooze-fest it has been on previous occasssions, with Heath Ledger's recent death and the Hollywood Writer's Strike both providing stark reminders that this is an industry riddled with troubles. But still, you can always bank on 'Dickie' Attenborough to restore some pride - the old headmaster presented Anthony Hopkins with a well-deserved lifetime fellowship award, dropping a few prize names in the process (Charlie Chaplin, Laurence Olivier and Alfred Hitchcock are all previous recipients). The mention of these great auteurs reminded me of the way the film industry has changed in it's relatively young life. As proved last night, projects of passion from mavericks on the industry fringes are increasingly usurping the studio blockbusters in the hearts of audiences and critics alike. And this can only be a good thing.

Winner's List:

THE ACADEMY FELLOWSHIP
ANTHONY HOPKINS

OUTSTANDING BRITISH CONTRIBUTION TO CINEMA
BARRY WILKINSON

BEST FILM
ATONEMENT – Tim Bevan/Eric Fellner/Paul Webster

BEST BRITISH FILM
THIS IS ENGLAND – Mark Herbert/Shane Meadows

THE CARL FOREMAN AWARD for Special Achievement by a British Director, Writer or Producer for their First Feature Film
MATT GREENHALGH (Writer) – Control

DIRECTOR
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN – Joel Coen/Ethan Coen

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
JUNO – Diablo Cody

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY – Ronald Harwood

FILM NOT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
THE LIVES OF OTHERS – Quirin Berg/Max Wiedemann/Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

ANIMATED FILM
RATATOUILLE – Brad Bird

LEADING ACTOR
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS – There Will Be Blood

LEADING ACTRESS
MARION COTILLARD – La Vie en Rose

SUPPORTING ACTOR
JAVIER BARDEM – No Country for Old Men

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
TILDA SWINTON – Michael Clayton

MUSIC
LA VIE EN ROSE – Christopher Gunning

CINEMATOGRAPHY
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN – Roger Deakins

EDITING
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM – Christopher Rouse

PRODUCTION DESIGN
ATONEMENT – Sarah Greenwood/Katie Spencer

COSTUME DESIGN
LA VIE EN ROSE – Marit Allen

SOUND
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM – Kirk Francis/Scott Millan/David Parker/Karen Baker Landers/Per Hallberg

SPECIAL VISUAL EFFECTS
THE GOLDEN COMPASS – Michael Fink/Bill Westenhofer/Ben Morris/Trevor Wood

MAKE UP & HAIR
LA VIE EN ROSE – Jan Archibald/Didier Lavergne

SHORT ANIMATION
THE PEARCE SISTERS – Jo Allen/Luis Cook

SHORT FILM
DOG ALTOGETHER – Diarmid Scrimshaw/Paddy Considine

THE ORANGE RISING STAR AWARD (voted for by the public)
SHIA LABEOUF

Christopher Lee's Lessons In Delusion

If you ever want a really good laugh, watch The Many Faces of Christopher Lee. This is the hammiest example of an actor attempting to explain his craft that I've ever seen. Those familiar with Nigel Planer's creation Nicholas Craig will see many similarities here. Lee comes across as not only pompous, arrogant and lacking in all humility, but also as incredibly stupid and perhaps a little bit racist. Here's one of the clips that appears in the interview, of him singing a completely god-awful song about alcohol. He introduces this in the film by saying "I sang it as an opera, as a pop song and as a musical. I think my Grandmother (who was an opera singer) would have been proud."

Christopher, I beg to differ.



To see the full film in all it's glory, here are the links:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The Value Of The Unpublished Word

Someone told me recently that there are nearly a million unpublished manuscripts in London alone. That’s a hell of a lot of un-read words. Perhaps one of the problems with writing these days is that it’s almost too easy. Computers make it all too simple to type, cut, paste and delete massive blocks of text without perhaps giving it due consideration. Computers also make it very easy to present a manuscript in a professional way, therefore giving you the impression that the work is of a good standard.

A theatre director said to me once “the problem with word processing is that it kids you into thinking your stuff is good”. I know what he means. Words today are often written quickly, read even quicker and discarded before they’ve really had any effect. The number of newspapers on offer, the mountains of ‘celebrity literature’ hitting the shelves and the constant bombardment of advertising copy have meant that words, much like water, have become something we take completely for granted. But written language is a wonderful thing that has taken civilisation thousands of years to perfect. We should enjoy the fact that we are living now, at a time when we can reap the benefits of centuries of development in education, technology and thought. We should also be using mediums such as the internet to spread the gift of written language, and not forget that there are still countless numbers of people for whom it is still out of reach.

Education is a gift, waste it at you peril. Write something. Sit down and start writing a stream of consciousness, anything. When you get home tonight, open your word processor or take out your notepad and just start to write something. So what if yours becomes one of those countless unread works. It’s a nice thought that one day something you wrote might be discovered by a descendant, or a friend that is sorting through your things. Keep a diary, or just write a brief autobiography. You’ll be amazed at how therapeutic it can be.

Oh and a word of warning – back your stuff up. My computer crashed recently and I lost several pieces of work for good. All I had to do was email them to myself and I would have a record, but unfortunately I never did. Well, unfortunate for me anyway!

Leave The Scientologists Alone

Tom Cruise - the man never ceases to amaze. Clearly, based on the evidence of the video that was leaked onto Youtube of him raving on about the benefits of Scientology ("we're the only ones who can help" etc.) the man is more than a few sandwiches short of a picnic. As an atheist and someone who likes to think of myself as a fairly level-headed individual, I can't possibly take what Cruise says even remotely seriously, and like the rest of the world (Scientologists excepted) tend to laugh in his general direction.

However, I refrain from going overboard in my criticism. This is for two reasons - firstly, it's a very big target, and like all big targets is never really that satisfying when you hit it. Secondly, I always fear that the more the wider world mocks a religious sect, the more people are driven towards it. Society is full of marginalised, attention-desperate individuals who will happily flock to a new 'religion' that has got everybody talking and hogs more than it's fair share of column inches. As has been proven by the rise of religious extremism in the past decade, no matter how much tabloids may titter or how many Richard Dawkins books are published, it will only serve to swell the ranks of these loony religions.

So I say we leave them alone. Give them the Wilde-ean punishment of 'not being talked about', and it will surely scare them more than the fires of hell ever will.

Gervais Doesn't Deserve Globe

It's not exactly news that Ricky Gervais has won yet another award, this time a Golden Globe for Extras. As a fan, I'm certainly not averse to the idea of Gervais (who I consider to have one of the sharpest comedy brains of our generation) receiving due credit for his work. But I do feel, in this case, they got it wrong. Now, admittedly the competition wasn't all that strong (30 Rock, Californication, Entourage and Pushing Daisies were the rivals), but nevertheless I think at least one of these shows (namely Entourage) was a better all-round piece of television.

The US infatuation with anything touched by the hand of Gervais is getting a bit embarrassing. Witness for example his guest turn on The Simpsons, which turned out to be little more than a watered-down David Brent dancing to the same old tune. Or look at Stardust, where his cameo as a space-merchant was once again reduced to a series of Brent-ish facial expressions and grammatical punctuations that we've become so used to.

The rumour is that Ricky's next project with Stephen Merchant will be a straight drama. I've not doubt they are capable of handling a serious piece, and in fact I'm fairly confident they'll excel (my theory has always been that good comedians can always handle 'heavier' material but rarely does it work the other way round). But whether the US (and indeed for that matter the UK) sycophants will allow him to grow out of Brent remains to be seen. I'd hate to see him follow the path so sadly trodden by Steve Coogan.

The T-ruth Will Out

Initials-instead-of-a-name queen KT Tunstall has announced she's getting married to long term partner Luke Bullen. I'm hoping there will be a classic 'revelation of the middle name' moment during the wedding when the vicar asks "do you Luke Bullen take Kate Todger Tunstall as your lawfully...".

Don't know why I wrote this. It's utterly ridiculous.

Thought For The Day

Please oh please could Newcastle United give Alan Shearer the job of manager. The reason? So that we'll no longer have to put up with his horrendous punditry on MOTD - the combination of him and Lawro is televisual cyanide. If he mentions the phrase "classic centre-forward's goal" one more time I'm going to throw a brick through my television. The man (and his ridiculous Island of receding hair) is a menace to the good name of entertainment. This is, after all, the whole point of football. So with that in mind I put in a vote for getting a comedian on the pundit panel - I mean let's face it, you could hold your own in that shower with only a basic grasp of the fundamentals. Frank Skinner for example would do an excellent job - at least he'd have something slightly more interesting to say than "that was sloppy" (Alan Hanson's oft-heard catchphrase). I'll tell you what's "sloppy" Alan - your shamefully limited vocabulary and simplistic usage of the English language!

There Will Be Blood (...But Not Till February)

Paul Thomas Anderson's There Will Be Blood, starring Daniel Day-Lewis, has taken several top awards from the National Society of Film Critics (for full story click here). However, I for one had barely heard of the film due to the ridiculous discrepancy between US and UK release dates. It's old news for Uncle Sam, where it was first glimpsed back in September, whereas we Brits won't get a piece of the action till...wait for it... February the 15th!!!!

Yes, I realise that this is a situation that has gone on since celluloid began, but surely it's time to start redressing the balance? In a digital age it's simply inexcusable to stagger international release dates to this degree. If anyone has any further thoughts as to the (presumably commercial) advantages of doing this, I'd be grateful to hear them.

Here endeth the rant.

Bono In Hot Water Over Africa Comments

Wannabe African-messiah Bono has attracted angry reactions to his statement that “Whenever you see Africans saying they don't want aid it's pretty clear it's not their sisters, brothers, cousins who are dying". Personally I don't see this as a hugely controversial thing to say, but it is nevertheless yet another example of why tactless celebrities shouldn't go wading into political dialogue they don't fully understand.

Essex-based charity A3 (African AIDS Action) representative Selasie responded: “I have lost my niece, sister-in-law and 47 other relatives to AIDS - my brother and sister and 54 other family members are HIV positive, so I find Bono’s comments naive and insulting. But as an Ethiopian I have witnessed with my own eyes how aid and western charities have created a dependency culture in Africa, fuelled wars and benefited corrupt dictators.”

I won't be the first blogger to say this, but Bono, please, please just shhhh.

Winehouse Is A Dud Under The Mistletoe, And Men Would Do The Un-Thinkable To Avoid The Xmas Crush

Amy Winehouse’s fall from grace seems to keep on coming. This Christmas season, the troubled singer not only finds herself with a jailbird husband and a string of cancelled tour dates, but a Nuts TV nationwide poll conducted amongst men aged 16 – 34 has now revealed that Winehouse is the least favourite girl to pucker up with under the mistletoe this year. Amy topped Nuts TV’s poll with a landslide 48% of the vote. One celeb who should be filled with festive cheer this year is Keira Knightley who was judged the girl men would most like to take to their Christmas Party.

Christmas spirit seems to be in short supply this year amongst the men of Britain who have spoken out on their hatred of Christmas shopping. Whilst recent research showed that women prefer Shopping to sex, Nuts TV revealed that rather than spend the day in the Xmas shopping crush, men would be prepared to do a string of unthinkable acts including giving up sex and beer for a week, cleaning the house for a month, driving a pink banger and even wearing their rival teams kit on a match day.

Nuts TV has recently launched its Man Time nationwide campaign highlighting that every night between 9pm and 1am is Man Time. The nationwide poll was conducted to support the campaign and was designed to research what constitutes the ideal Man Time as well as gain an insight into the things men love most including girls, sport and comedy. To coincide with the campaign Nuts TV will be incorporating a Man Time editorial strand into the channel from Monday 10th December.

Q1 Which comedian from the list below would you most like to see give an alternative Queens speech at Christmas?

1. Peter Kaye - 25.60%
2. Lee Evans - 18.3%
3. Lenny Henry - 18.60%
4. Jimmy Carr – 10%
5. Ricky Gervais - 8.60%
6. Russell Brand – 9.30%
7. Eddie Izzard – 5.10%
8. Jack Dee – 5.40%
9. Frank Skinner – 3.40%
10. Ross Noble – 2.70%

Q2 Which of these girls would you most like to take to your office Christmas party? (If you were to have a Christmas Party)

1. Keira Knightley - 23.60%
2. Kelly Brook – 22.50%
3. Gemma Atkinson from "I'm a Celebrity” – 15.30%
4. Kate Moss – 9.60%
5. Cheryl Cole – 8.8%
6. Leona Lewis – 7.30%
7. Lucy Pinder – 5.90%
8. Victoria Beckham – 3.10%
9. Amy Winehouse – 2.71%
10. Chanelle from “Big Brother” – 1.30%

Q3 Which of these girls would you LEAST like to kiss under the mistletoe?

1. Amy Winehouse – 48%
2. Victoria Beckham – 24.60%
3. Chanelle (Big Brother) – 13.40%
4. Kate Moss – 4.90%
5. Keira Knightley – 2.30%
6. Lucy Pinder – 1.70%
7. Leona Lewis – 1.70%
8. Kelly Brook – 1.60%
9. Gemma Atkinson from "I'm a Celebrity” – 1.10%
10. Cheryl Cole – 0.60%

Q4 Which sports personality from the list below would you MOST like to invite to Christmas dinner?

1. David Beckham – 23.90%
2. Lewis Hamilton – 19.40%
3. Jonny Wilkinson – 13.80%
4. Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff – 13.10%
5. John Terry – 7.9%
6. Steve Redgrave – 6.50%
7. Wayne Rooney – 6.50%
8. Rodney Marsh – 3.50%
9. Theo Walcott – 2.70%
10. Andy Murray – 2.60%

Q5 Imagine that your partner is at their office Christmas party giving you space to indulge in some “Man Time” – what would be your ideal night in?

1. Getting your mates round with a crate of beer – 26.80%
2. All night games console session – 22.7%
3. Action Movie and a pizza – 12.30%
4. Watching Football all night – 12.20%
5. Playing poker with the boys – 11.20%
6. Watching TV with full control of the remote - 6.20%
7. None of the above – 8.70%

Q6 If your partner was at their Christmas party and you knew for certain you wouldn’t get caught, which of the following would you like to try?

1. Watch a porn movie – 33.50%
2. Have a candlelit bath with candles and bubbles - 11.90%
3. Invite another girl around for a romantic evening – 11.80%
4. Read girly magazines - Heat, Closer etc. – 9.30%
5. Go through their emails – 9.20%
6. Cook naked and leave the washing up – 8.70%
7. Watch a chick flick – 6.60%
8. Go online shopping with your partner's credit card 5.60%
9. Try on partner's underwear – 3.90%
10. Try on partners make-up – 2.80%
11. None of the above – 37.90

Q7 Which of the following would you be prepared to do rather than being dragged Christmas shopping for the day with your partner.

1. Go without beer for a week – 38.6%
2. Do all the cleaning in the house for a month – 19.40%
3. Go without sex for a week – 17.50%
4. Spend the day baking Christmas food with your whole family – 13.60%
5. Drive a pink clapped out car for a week – 13.50%
6. Only eat vegetables for a week - 11.70%
7. Spend New Year's Eve watching TV with your in-laws – 10.70%
8. Only eat vegetables for a week 11.70%
9. Dress up as a woman to go to your local pub for the night – 8.30%
10. Kiss your partner's grandma on the lips – 4.90%
11. Walk around in your rival team's football kit on the day your team are playing - 5.1%
12. None of the above – 28.80%

How To Feel Great At Christmas! By Patrick Holford

Have a glass of water with every alcoholic drink – two if it’s a large glass of wine. Have a glass of water for every coffee you drink.

Before you go to bed have a heaped teaspoon of glutamine powder (available from health food shops) and 1 gram of vitamin C. This heals the gut from the damage caused by alcohol, and helps the liver detoxify.

Whatever you eat load up on the veg. Cruciferous vegetables (Brussels sprouts, broccoli, kale, cabbage) are the best liver detoxifiers. Onions and garlic are good too.

If you are making desserts with sugar in them switch to xylitol (best value is Xylobrit, available from www.healthproductsforlife.com). Nine teaspoons has the same effect on your blood sugar as one teaspoon of sugar.

Load up on berries. Any berry is good for you. Buy frozen berries, defrost and add to cereal (great with porridge), make smoothies, or an apple and berry crumble.

Eat more oats, less wheat, as oat flakes, cold or hot as in porridge. Oat cakes instead of bread.

The best hangover cure is half a pint of watermelon juice. Blend the flesh and seeds. The outer husk cracks and sinks to the bottom. The flesh and seeds are full of anti-ageing antioxidants. You’ll feel better in minutes.

Go for a walk after a heavy meal. It helps you digest.

Forget diamonds. Your liver is your best friend. Last year over 350,000 people were admitted to hospital with alcohol-related conditions. If you’re a bit of a ‘vino’, knocking baxk a drink or two every night, and feeling tired and sluggish a lot of the time, love your liver by following my 9 Day Liver Detox (Piatkus, £10.99). Check out if you need to Detox with a simple test at www.ninedayliverdetox.com. Here’s what two volunteers reported after 9 days. “I have so much more energy and getting up in the mornings is far less painful. Digestion feels better and bowel movements are daily as opposed to twice weekly!” Jo. “My energy levels are much improved. I feel more refreshed in the morning; consequently I feel more alert. The bloatedness has gone too, and, whilst I didn’t do the programme to lose weight, I’ve lost 3lbs.” Sophia.

FIVE HABITS TO BREAK

Less alcohol – max a drink every other day.
Less caffeine – max one coffee a day. Switch to green tea or herb teas.
Less wheat – oats and brown rice are much better for your digestion and weight. They make you feel fuller for longer.
Less dairy products – many people are allergic. Try alternatives such as soya and rice milk.
Less fried and processed foods – avoid anything with ‘hydrogenated’ fat in it, or deep fried foods.

FIVE HABITS TO MAKE

Drink eight glasses of water a day. Have a glass of water when you wake up and one with each meal. Always have a glass of water with a coffee or alcoholic drink.

Load up on fruit and veg. The ideal is 7 servings a day. Eg a piece of fruit with breakfast, two as snacks, plus two servings of veg, twice a day with your main meals. Make your own New Years resolution.

Load up on superfoods. These include berries, broccoli, asparagus, plums, oily fish such as salmon, pumpkin seeds.

Take supplements every day. The basics we all need is an optimum nutrition multivitamin and mineral, plus extra vitamin C and essential fats. Try Biocare’s Optimum Nutrition Pack, formulated by Patrick (www.healthproductsforlife.com)

Exercise. Even a brisk walk gets your metabolism going. You need to exercise every other day. It helps burn fat and detoxify your body.

Patrick Holford is founder of the Institute for Optimum Nutrition in London. He is the author of over twenty health books, including The Holford Low-GL Diet and the blockbuster Patrick Holford’s New Optimum Nutrition Bible, which has sold over 1 million copies in 30 countries.

The Holford 9-Day Liver Detox will be published on 3rd January 2008 at £10.99.

Survey Reveals The Songs That Really Make Us Go 'Boom'

Sex isn’t as important as music or sport, says one quarter of Europe’s music fans.

New statistics released today have put paid to the belief that sex and rock n’roll go together. They reveal that 25% of people prefer to listen to their favourite bands or cheer on their favourite team, rather than enjoy a passionate clinch with their partner.

And of all the respondents, it’s the over-30s rather than younger music fans who are more inclined to “get it on.”

This shock reversal of expectations has come to light as the results of the Music Choice Music Census 2007, the most comprehensive survey of European music taste and consumption, were revealed by Music Choice, Europe’s longest-standing legal digital music service.

But it’s not all bad news for those who want to make sweet music with each other, because the Music Census revealed fans’ top ten tracks to send libidos into overdrive. The survey completed by music lovers across the continent, shows that Marvin Gaye delivers the best song to smooch to, and the results suggest that the following combination of tunes is the best soundtrack to a night of lovemaking:

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
Madonna - Justify My Love
Eurythmics - The Miracle Of Love
Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On
Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing
Extreme - More Than Words
Al Green - Lets Stay Together
George Michael - I Want Your Sex
Bill Withers - Just The Two Of Us

Sticking to the love theme, Music Choice also found that this year Robbie Williams has slipped from his position as singer of the number one wedding song. Robbie’s Angels came in third behind the winner, Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”, and, “Every Breath You Take”, The Police’s song anthem about obsession.

The Music Census also shows that music fans have a keen sense of humour if their favourite funeral songs are anything to go by. According to the Music Census, Monty Python’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” shared the top spot for funeral choices, and even AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” and The Jam’s “Going Underground” made the top ten, suggesting that Europe’s music fans perhaps don’t consider death to be such a grave business after all.

The Music Choice Music Census 2007 was conducted between 1st and 30th September 2007. Music lovers from across the whole of Europe participated, so the census provides the most detailed picture of Europeans’ musical tastes, music consumption habits and views on future of CDs, downloads and ring-tones.

Full survey results:

What do you think is the greatest song to make love to?

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing 15%
Madonna - Justify My Love 14%
Eurythmics - The Miracle Of Love 13%
Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love 12%
Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On 12%
Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing 8%
Extreme - More Than Words 8%
Al Green - Lets Stay Together 8%
George Michael - I Want Your Sex 6%
Bill Withers - Just The Two Of Us 5%

Which song would you most want played at your wedding?

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight 21%
Police – Every Breath You Take 13%
Robbie Williams – Angels 12%
Percy Sledge – When A Man Loves a Woman 11%
Bryan Adams - Heaven 9%
Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes – I’ve Had The Time of My Life 8%
UB40 – I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You 7%
Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On 5%
Sonny & Cher – I Got You Babe 5%

Which song would you most want played at your funeral?

Monty Python – Always Look on The Bright Side of Life 15%
Eric Clapton – Tears in Heaven 15%
Frank Sinatra – My Way 14%
Led Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven 12%
Queen – Don’t Stop Me Now 11%
The Beatles – In My Life 8%
Puff Daddy – I’ll Be Missing You 8%
AC/DC – Highway To Hell 8%
The Jam – Going Underground 5%

Courtesy of www.musicchoice.co.uk